Eye Theater is my own brand of madness. Years ago, during an IRC session, during a lull in the conversation, I started writing these things. The Eyes, the cast of this strange little pseudo-play, are all emoticons come alive. They talk amongst themselves, and (on occassion) get a bit of outside input. The title of Eye Theater didn't get put on them until I'd written quite a few episodes, and subsequently lost a few. Ever since then, I've kept careful track of every episode. And here's what I've got!

WARNING! There is swearing in Eye Theater. Quite a bit of it in some episodes, in fact. It's a not quite subtle part of the humor, in most cases. If you're easily offended, you may not want to continue reading this.

Comic Strip #1

Comic Strip #2

Eye Theater!
A Strange Start...

This is the original Eye Theater episode. It's interspersed with random and witty commentary by myself and another IRC user called Tiamat. Enjoy!

O_O - Hey, what am I doing here?
-_- - Shut up, Hank...
o_o - What a numbskull...
O_O - Shut up, kid!
-_- - You just can't resist, can you?
^_^ - Hello!
O_O - Happy people are invading!
(_tiamat_) there are meds for that...
(Sky Render) I've a strange sense of humor, no?
(_tiamat_) hehehehe
>_< - Man, this hurts.
(_tiamat_) get out of my head!!!
O_O - Oh, bear with it.
(_tiamat_) oops, sorry
(Sky Render) Huh?
(_tiamat_) jk.
O_o - That was odd...
-_- - Only you would think so.
O_O - I do, too.
(_tiamat_) the snuggles bear tells me to do horrible things...
(Sky Render) The little eyes talk...
O_O - Who you callin' "little"?!
o_o - Me?
O_O - Shut up, kid.
(_tiamat_) x_x - ...
X_X - ... ... ...
>_< - I really hurt, guys!
O_O - Shut up, already!
-_- - Always the harsh one...
o_O - Like me.
O_o - Stop copying me!
o_o - This is fun!
(_tiamat_) yes
(Sky Render) The eyes are talking amongst themselves...
(_tiamat_) the eyes have it
O_O - Shall we plot the destruction of the world?
^_^ - That would be mean!
>_< - Exactly...
O_o - I'm all for it...
o_O - Me, too...
o_o - What's "destruction" mean?
-_- - Whatever we tell you it means.
;_; - Oh, so sad...
O_O - Stop crying, ya wuss! We're holding a meeting!
;_; - I just ate an onion...
O_o - Well, boo hoo hoo...
O_O - Anyway, on destroying the world...
^_^ - Let's not!
O_O - Shut up, you stupid pansy hippy freak!
^_^ - Okay.
-_- - Just give it up, Hank.
O_O - Traitor! You're working for the humans!
-_- - My eyes are sealed...
(Sky Render) Like?
(_tiamat_) eh?
(_tiamat_) bot-esk
(_tiamat_) or ish
(Sky Render) The eyes want to destroy the world for some reason...
(_tiamat_) yes, this is not good
O_O - Uh, oh, they're on to us!
O_o - Shall we retreat?
(_tiamat_) the eyes must be stopped
o_O - A wise plan...
(Sky Render) They must, indeed.
O_O - RUN!!!
(_tiamat_) or infected w/GFS
^_^ - Why? We could bake cookies together!
O_O - You pansy loser! Run or be killed!
^_^ - But...
* Sky_Render kills ^_^ with his katana.
^_^ - Augh!!!!
O_O - Thank you! Now, let's get out of here!
;-) - Mind if we tag along?
:-) - We caused some trouble in a certain bar in ACEBO93...
O_O - Whatever, just hurry up!
(_tiamat_) heheh
o_o - Bar? Izzat where you get drunk, daddy?
O_O - Be quiet, you!
0_0 - Sir! They're almost on top of you.
O_O - Crud! Pick up the pace, slowpokes!
-_- - Whatever. You worry too much...
O_O - Stupid traitor! Didn't we leave you behind?
-_- - Yeah, so?
o_O - So...
O_o - GET LOST!!!
-_- - Fine, fine...
* Sky_Render catches up with the eyes.
(Sky_Render) Stop right there!
O_O - Shit! Other way!
* Sky_Render kills O_O brutally with a shotgun.
O_O - Ouchie!
0_0 - This is not good...
;_; - I feel your pain all too well, O_O.
O_O - X_X
X_X - You called?
O_O - ...
X_X - Oh, wait, I'm dead. Bleagh!
;-) - This is getting really wierd.
:-) - Yeah, no kidding.
;-) - Let's ditch these eyes.
:-) - Good idea.
* Sky_Render watches as ;-) and :-) escape.
;_; - I'm too young to die!
* Sky_Render notices a new eye pair drop in.
+_+ - ...
o_o - It's Super Mime!
+_+ - ... ... ... ! ... ... ...
O_o - Really? Then, let's go!
o_O - Yes, lets.
+_+ - ... ...! ... ... ... ... ...!
* Sky_Render runs from Super Mime, because he's really violent!
+_+ - ... ... ...!
o_o - Yay, my hero!

Eye Theater!
It's Tough Being the Leader...

This episode came much later, and is much shorter, too. It was also spawned in IRC, although in a different channel.

~-_-~ - Friends, Romans, countrymen! Lend me your ears!
O_O - None of us have ears, stupid!
-_- - I dunno, it looks like he does...
O_O - Quiet, you.
O_o - This is...
o_O - ...quite odd.
~-_-~ - I greet you today not as your leader, but as your friend!
O_O - You're no friend of mine!
>_< - Yeah! You don't even send a card for my birthday!
-_- - Rather inconsiderate, isn't he?
O_o - Indeed, this is...
o_O - ...quite utterly bizzarre.
~-_-~ - I... Ah, screw it. Go do whatever the hell you want, I quit this leader business.
O_O - Really? COOL! Let's go paint the town red!
-_- - Why? We're not dancers...
>_< - Who cares? TIME TO WREAK HAVOC! OH YEAH!
O_o - Oh...
o_O - ...dear...

Eye Theater!
Perky Can't Cook!

It's true, she can't! The ongoing joke of most Eye Theater episodes is that Perky cares more about baking than anything else, and she can never seem to make edible substances. This is also a later episode. Note that I often call Perky Perkie as well.

^_^ - Brownies!
O_O - Oh, no! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
-_- - Hmm? Perkie tried to make brownies again?
@_@ - Ah, crap. I'm still recovering from the last batch.
O_o - Um, we'll...
o_O - ...pass on the offer this time...
^_^ - Aww, nobody likes my cooking...
>_< - Can you blame them? Your brownies are made of cement and cocoa mix!
^_^ - They are not! I used asphalt for this batch!
@_@ - Even worse. Urk! *pukes*
O_O - I suggest we all run far, far away...
-_- - For once, I agree with you. Let's go!
^_^ - Wait for me!!!

Eye Theater!
Perky's Brownies

Yet another episode about Perky's cooking. This one is quite a bit longer.

O_O - And now, for another edition of Eye Theater!
-_- - Oh, not again...
O_O - Quiet, you. Now, on to the main show!
O_o - This should...
o_O - ...Be interesting.
^_^ - Hey, O_O! I need some more ingredients for my next batch of brownies! Could you run out to the hardware store and pick them up?
O_O - Um, I guess... What do you need?
^_^ - Here's the list!
O_O - Hmm... Jeez, you do put cement in them! ...You put lime in them, too? And bedrock? Yeesh, no wonder they're so inedible...
^_^ - What would you suggest I put in them?
O_O - How about cocoa and sugar?
^_^ - Oh, is that how people make them? I was WAAAAY off...
>_< - You're telling me! I've had to have my teeth replaced after eating your brownies! Sixteen times!
-_- - Here, try using a brownie recipe.
^_^ - Okay! ...Hmm... You mean they're supposed to be sweet?
O_O - Um... Yes...
@_@ - Perky's making brownies again?! Ough, my poor stomach... *pukes*
~_~ - I rather like them, myself. Keeps my indegestion problems down.
O_O - Yeah, they probably tear your innards up so much that the pain distracts you from your indegestion.
~_~ - How'd you know? Ah...
^_^ - Okay, I can make them like this! But, they're gonna taste a lot different than my usual recipe...
O_o - Um, that's...
o_O - ...A good thing...
*several hours later*
^_^ - Wow, that was harder than I thought! Well, here they are!
@_@ - Wow, they're real brownies. Wait a minute, I have a gag reflex to cocoa... *pukes*
>_< - Eww! Well, at least the brownies aren't too bad...
~_~ - Hmm, they're kind of crunchy... What'd you put in them, Perky?
^_^ - Everything on the ingredients list!
O_O - Uh, oh... Er, did you remember to take everything out of their packages first?
^_^ - Of course!
O_O - And did you crack the eggs open, too?
^_^ - Oh, are you supposed to do that? My bad!
>_< - Ah, shit!
~_~ - Ah, so that's why my indegestion is less noticeable...
@_@ - Eggshells? Eagh! *pukes*
O_o - This is...
o_O - ...Quite odd.
^_^ - Sorry, everybody! I'll try again!
O_O - Um, er, don't force yourself to make more for our sakes!
^_^ - Oh, okay! Should I just go back to my own recipe?
>_< - Oh, for the love of...! NO!
-_- - Your original recipe was even less edible than this, Perky.
^_^ - Okay, I'll stick to this recipe!
*three days later*
^_^ - Brownies! Come get 'em!
O_O - Hmm, not bad, Perky. What's this? *spits* A... A rock?
^_^ - Yep! I figured, why not mix my recipe with thier's?
>_< - AAAAAAUGH! We HATE your recipe, don't you get it?!
-_- - Perky, please, try making brownies without rocks or other products not meant for consumption...
^_^ - Aww, you're no fun! Okay...
*one batch later*
^_^ - These should be great! All edible substances!
O_O - That's not too reassuring, for some reason...
@_@ - They taste... BLEUGH! *pukes*
~_~ - My goodness, what a vile combonation of flavors. I've never felt this disgusted in years...
>_< - Yeuch! What did you put in these things, ketchup?!
^_^ - Yep! And relish, and mustard, and onions, and...
-_- - Perky... Stop trying to customize the recipe, please. Just make regular, ordinary, recipe-standard brownies.
^_^ - Aww... Okay.
*yet another batch later*
^_^ - This should be a lot better!
O_O - Hmm... Wow, they're real brownies, and they taste normal.
-_- - I think that's considered one of the key signs of a coming apocalypse, isn't it?
~_~ - I liked her original recipe better.
>_< - You're the only one, old man! Finally, edible substances from Perky's kitchen...
@_@ - I don't like any of her recipes, but only because I have a gag reflex to everything.
O_O - Stick to this recipe, Perky. Better than chewing on your cement recipe.
^_^ - Oh, okay! But I AM going to customize it a bit!
O_O - Oh, please don't... Well, if you do, don't put in anything that's flat-out contradictory in flavor or texture, please?
^_^ - You take all the fun out of it... Okay...
O_O - I have this terrible feeling that we'll never taste real brownies again... Let's eat them while we can!
*FIN*

Eye Theater
Perky and Radiation

A more recent episode, once more about Perky's brownies. This one was posted to a newsgroup.

O_O - What the hell? What are WE doing here?
-_- - The usual. Talking, wondering what the hell we're doing here... I think Perky's making brownies again.
>_< - Oh, great, as if my stomach wasn't ruined enough...
^_^ - Brownies! Get 'em while they're hot, get 'em while they're radioactive!
~_~ - Don't mind if I do. *munch munch* Oooh, my false teeth are glowing!
O_o - Call us crazy, but...
o_O - ...we doubt that those are safe to eat.
@_@ - Oh, NOW you tell me. *pukes*
O_O - Perky, you really need to learn to use more conventional ingredients.
^_^ - Huh? You mean I should mix in a household appliance or two into the batter? I don't get it...
>_< - Okay, let me put this to you gently... FOLLOW A *#$%ING RECIPE!
^_^ - What's a ress-ih-pee?
-_- - Oh, jeez... Somebody be merciful and kill me now...
>_< - Tempting offer, but you provide most of our witty commentary, so no dice, pal.
-_- - You just want me to suffer, too.
>_< - Yeah... SO?!
*+_+ walks in*
+_+ - ... ...? ... ... ... ... ... ...!
O_O - Um, no, I don't think... Oh, jeez! Mime Man, do that in private!
~_~ - That even grossed me out, and my eyes were closed!
^_^ - My brownies! Mime Man, how dare you! Get out! GET OUT!
+_+ - ... ... ... ......
O_O - Damn straight. Now get lost, freak!
*+_+ gets lost*
-_- - Um, O_O, you do realize that Mime Man takes everything quite literally, and he's now lost his way? And that he's still in the room?
O_O - ...Shut up. How, Odd, guide our friend of many words out, please.
O_o - Will...
o_O - ...do.
*O_o and o_O guide +_+ outside*
^_^ - Oh, well! I'm sure the brownies still taste great, even though they are covered in...
>_< - Bleugh! Just throw them out, Perkie! Just being NEAR them makes me feel ill...
@_@ - Really? I always feel ill. Urk! *pukes*
O_O - Yes, do get rid of them, Perkie. Those things look absolutely disgusting now...
*^_^ reluctantly throws her brownies out*
^_^ - Now, to make the next batch! Any special requests this time for the ingredients?
O_O - How about something edible?
^_^ - You make this so difficult!
-_- - Ah, screw it. Come on, let's all go play some bocce ball.
~_~ - What in the hell is bocce ball?
-_- - Um, I don't know... But it should be fun! Let's go!
*The eyes go to play bocce ball*

Eye Theater!
The Gangsters

A previously unreleased episode of Eye Theater. This was going to be an Eye Theater feature presentation, but I changed my mind.

O_O - Man, what a day! I don't think it could get any better!
-_- - Don't be so sure, Hank. I've heard rumor of a crime gang attacking the local population...
O_O - Bah, lies! Right, son?
o_o - Whatever you say, dad.
O_o - How...
o_O - Odd...
O_O - Oh be quiet, you two!
-_- - Stop being so harsh, Hank. Just live with it...
(A car approaches the group, and -_- notices it)
-_- - Everybody get down!
O_O - Why...?
-_- - DO IT!
(They all duck down, mere milliseconds before bullets spray the position in which they had been standing.)
._. - (From car) Hahahahahahahaha! (Drives away)
O_O - Woah! What a freak!
O_o - Yes...
o_O - Indeed...
o_o - Was that a bad man, daddy?
-_- - See what I mean? They're attacking everybody!
O_O - I guess they are, aren't they? Crap...
o_o - Daddy, what's a crap?
O_O - Well, it's when you... What the hell am I saying?! You're not even ten years old yet!
-_- - Give it a rest, Hank. Just forget about it.
O_o - I agree...
o_O - As do I...
O_O - Oh, okay. But what should we do about this? I'd prefer to stay alive, thank you very much.
(^_^ and A_A walk into the scene)
^_^ - Hi! What's going on?
-_- - The gangsters just about killed us.
^_^ - Oh. How about we make cookies?
O_O - Do you have any idea what this means?!
^_^ - You're out of baking powder?
O_O - NO!
^_^ - Then what?
-_- - It means we're in trouble.
A_A - I can see your point. We can't just let those people take us down! We have to fight back!
^_^ - But what about...?
O_O - FORGET YOUR FUCKING COOKIES!!!
o_o - What's a fucking?
O_O - WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!!!
o_o - Oh, it's that bad, huh?
O_o - This is...
o_O - Just rediculous...
O_O - Who asked you two?!
(@_@ walks in, stumbles around, and promptly pukes on O_O's shoes)
O_O - Augh! These shoes are brand-new!
@_@ - Urk! I feel ill...
O_O - Next time, don't aim for my shoes.
@_@ - Urgh, I'm gonna hurl! (Pukes on O_O's shoes again)
O_O - AUGH, YOU STUPID SON OF A BIT...!
-_- - HANK! There are children present.
O_O - Grrr...
o_o - Were you gonna say "bitch", daddy?
O_O - WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT, YOU STUPID LITTLE SHIT?!
o_o - You said it last week. What's a shit?
O_O - WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE!
o_o - Oh, another one of "those" words...
-_- - Congratulations, Hank, you just taught your son ANOTHER swear word.
O_O - WHO THE HELL ASKED YOU, ASSHOLE?!
o_o - What's an asshole, daddy?
O_O - It's on your... HEY! WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU LEARN THAT, SHITFACE?!
o_o - You're really vulgar today, daddy.
@_@ - Urgh, gonna toss it all... (pukes on O_O's shoes yet again)
O_O - AUGH! FRAGGNSRNFBRCHGRRAUGH! I'm gonna KILL you, Urk!
@_@ - Bleagh! (Pukes all over O_O)
O_O - I give up...
O_o - How...
o_O - Odd...

Yes, this episode disturbs me, too. Aren't you glad I didn't finish it?

Eye Theater! - Gaiden
The Showdown: >_< VS. O_o

This one is just silly. I wrote it while I was translating FF6, and for some reason, thought it would be funny to use some of Mash's attacks in it.

PRELUDE TO COMBAT:
>_< - I challenge you! Ouch!
O_o - How... Oh, my brother's not here. Damn, this will be hard...
O_O - Okay, here's the rules. No...
>_< - Screw the rules!
ROUND 1:
>_< - I'm gonna take you down!
O_o - I don't... Damn! Where's Odd when I need him!
(>_< hits O_o with a Surge Beat)
O_o - Hey!
>_< - Now who's hurting?!
O_o - You, apparently...
ROUND 2:
O_o - This time, I'm not going to lose.
>_< - Yeah, right. Take this!
(>_< does a dive, but misses)
O_o - Chew on THIS!
(O_o does Meteostrike on >_<)
>_< - Augh! You win this round!
ROUND 3, FINAL ROUND:
O_o - Now what?
>_< - Last round. Whoever wins is champ!
O_o - In that case...
(O_o does Aura Cannon, but misses)
>_< - Ha ha! I'll show you how to do a Blitz!
(>_< does a triple Surge Beat)
O_o - Ouch! That's IT!
(O_o does Battle Dance, inflicting massive damage on >_<)
>_< - Augh! I don't believe this!
O_O - O_o wins!
O_o - How... Damn it, where are you, Odd!
o_O - Odd... Sorry, I was showering.
O_o - ...

That's it! I hope you enjoyed it! More episodes are bound to be written in time, so stay tuned!

Written in 2001 by Sky Render