Final Fantasy VIII - The Dead Hero Sketch (Based off of the classic Dead Parrot Sketch by Monty Python) By Sky Render The Cast Rinoa - A disgruntled customer Edea - A shop owner in denial Squall - A corpsicle (SCENE: The pet shop in Deling City. Rinoa storms into the shop, carrying a very large bag and looking quite angry.) Rinoa: I wish to register a complaint! (she pauses) Hello, sir? Edea: (looking up from behind the counter) What do you mean, "sir"? Rinoa: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint! Edea: Sorry, we're closing for lunch. Rinoa: Nevermind that, my good woman. I wish to complain about this hero, what that I purchased not a half hour ago from this very boutique. Edea: Ah yes, Squall. What's, ah... What's wrong with him? Rinoa: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lady. (She pulls Squall out of the bag by his head; he looks quite beaten up) He's dead, that's what's wrong with him. Edea: No no, he's, uh... He's resting. Rinoa: Look missy, I know a dead hero when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. Edea: No no, he's resting! Amazing hero, Squall is. Beautiful gunblade! Rinoa: The gunblade don't enter into it! He's stone dead! Edea: No no, he's not dead, he's resting. (slight pause) Rinoa: All right then, if he's resting then I'll just wake him up. Hello, Mr. Squally-poo! I've got a nice Elixir here for you when you wake up. Edea: (shoves Squall) There, he moved! Rinoa: No he didn't. You shoved him! Edea: I never! Rinoa: Yes you did, I saw it with my own eyes! Edea: No, I did no such thing! Rinoa: Hello, Squally! (smacks Squall) Awakey-wakey! (smacks him twice) This is your nine'o'clock alarm call! (drags Squall out of the bag, and proceeds to punch and kick him a few times, finishing off with an uppercut; pauses, and turns to face Edea) Now that's what I call a dead hero. Edea: You've stunned him! Rinoa: Stunned him?! Edea: Yeah, you stunned him just as he was waking up! Heroes stun easily! Rinoa: Look here, missy, I've had just about enough of this! This hero is definitely deceased! You assured me when I purchased him not half an hour ago that the only reason for his total lack of movement was that he was tired and shagged out after a prolonged fight! Edea: Well, he's probably pining for Aeris... (ironic pause) Rinoa: PINING for AERIS?!?! What kind of talk is that?! She's not even IN this game! And why'd he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?! Edea: Heroes prefer kipping on their backs! Remarkable breed, they are. Lovely weapons! Rinoa: Look, miss, I took the liberty of examining this hero when I got him home, and I discovered that the only reason he had been standing up on that platform you provided with him in the first place was that he had been nailed there. Edea: Well of course he was NAILED there! Listen, lady, if I hadn't nailed him to that board, he would've drawn his weapon, broken out of wherever I put him, and VOOM! Rinoa: Voom?! Look, lady, this hero wouldn't VOOM if I cast Thundaga on him! He's bleedin' demised! Edea: He's not dead, he's pining! Rinoa: He's not pining, he's passed on! This hero is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his programmer! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to that board, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! He's curled up his tootsies! He's shuffled off this mortal coil! He's run up the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! ...He's fucking snuffed it! (smacks Squall for emphasis) THIS IS AN EX-SQUALL! Edea: (pause) Well, I'd better replace him, then! Rinoa: (to herself) I tell ya, in order to get any service in this city you have to complain until your lips are blue... (smacks Squall again) Edea: Well, I've had a look around the back, and we're right out of heroes. Rinoa: I see, I see. I get the picture. Edea: ...I've got a townsperson! Rinoa: Does he fight? Edea: Well, no, not really... Rinoa: Then he's hardly a bloody replacement, is he?! Edea: I suppose not... Say, you want to come over to my place later? Rinoa: (looks around cautiously) Thought you'd never ask... FIN!